Vision Quest: Dear Santa

(I did not have time to write an article this week, so instead I am submitting a letter to Santa from my imaginary 5 year old son Timmy. Enjoy.)

Dear Santa,

My name is Timmy and I live in Syracuse, NY. I am 5 years old and like dogs, trucks, and of course football. You see football has been pounded into me by my sometimes overbearing father. Actually he is a very nice guy most of the time. You would like him; you both are jolly and probably shop in the same clothing stores. In fact maybe you could go shopping together; however the two of you won’t fit in our Toyota Camry so bring your sleigh.

Anyways I am actually writing you in hopes you can give my Dad something to make him happy on Sundays. Since you are a Redskin fan (I am assuming with the colors of your suit you are) you have noticed that the Redskins are 5-9 and probably out of the playoffs. There is no way you can give the gift of a playoff run that you did last year, I understand that. Though if you could talk to the Easter Bunny about her gift she gave the redskins in March, Adam Archueletta, I would appreciate it. He is defective and I hope she has the warranty still.

Sorry, I get off topic a little. Of course I am five, and imaginary, so I will do that from time to time.

Back to my dad. As I said he seems so down on Sundays lately. With only two games left in the season, he sits at the TV or the sports bar with gloom on his face. This year has been real hard on him, and by extension, us. He has been a Redskin fan since the 5th grade as he watched Riggins rumble over Miami. He has stayed a Redskin fan in enemy territory for years, following them along even though he could not always see the games. Back when my older sister (She is so lucky because she is real. The oldest always gets the coolest stuff) was young he would drag her every week to the sports bar even when there was hard times, just so he could watch the games. He would return bottles so she could play video games as he sipped a soda and ate stale popcorn and hoped for a winning season. Those were the dark Norv Turner years and he rarely talks about them.

He was so excited when Joe Gibbs returned to coach the team a few years ago. He skipped around the office and came home and immediately threw me in the air in joy. Of course, being imaginary, he forgot to catch me. Just because I am imaginary does not mean the pain is not real. Ooops, off topic again. The playoff run in 2005 was filled with so much promise and the 2006 season was sure to be a return to glory for the Redskins and his Coach.

Alas it was not to be. And the dismal season will start to wind down over the next two games there are few things that can make my Dad happy. However if you could see your way to making an early stop at Redskins park to talk to the staff I am sure there are a couple of things that make my dad happy and give him a little joy as the season winds down. Here they are:

Start Rocky McIntosh. I don’t know who Warrick Holdman is, but I am pretty sure his middle name is a word that I can not use. At least that is what my Dad yells out every time he misses a tackle or is blocked by people smaller then me. If Rocky Balboa can get a 6th movie, can’t Rocky McIntosh start the last two games of the season so my Dad can stop swearing in my presence?

Win both remaining games. I am not old enough to understand draft positioning. However I do understand that winning the last three games of the season will do more to help next year be a success then any draft choice will. Also it will keep him from grounding me for no reason after the loss. Last time all I did was ask him how the game went and he looked at me like he was looking right through me. Then again, being imaginary I get that a lot.

No more Bill Maas. For some reason this announcer makes my dad want to reach through the screen and strangle someone. Probably Maas. Heck I know more about football then him, and again, I don’t exist.

Have the offense score in the Red Zone. Seriously have you seen my Dad? He is a big guy. All this hope of scoring and then futility cannot be good for his heart. Why can they play so good until they cross the opposing team’s 40 yard line and then stall? I am not old enough to do CPR, so please, score more touchdowns and no more reverses and trick plays inside the 40.

Stop the defense from killing momentum. Game after game the offense has just finished a drive and made my Dad happy with a score that either put the Redskins ahead or within striking distance only to be followed by the Defense giving up hope crushing bone smashing long touchdown drives. It almost happened at the end of the Saint game last week and it has happened almost every game this year. Either they need to start playing with Pride or Gregg Williams’ brilliant defensive playbook is as imaginary as I am.

Thanks Santa and I will try to keep my dad from eating your cookies again this year. He stays up late posting on a message board to all ends of the night and he gets hungry. I will bake them in the shape of vegetables and perhaps he will leave them alone.

Merry Christmas,

Timmy